as if the same tune keeps playing over and over in my head

i'm not unhappy. i'm just not happy. that doesn't make sense, does it. well, nothing does.

my one week of vacation is over. school will start this thursday and i should be back to the daily routing of using my brain. ever since summer school is over, i have not really been using my brain, and it actually felt good, not having anything to think about or worry about. sometimes i stare blankly at my monitor screen or the wall for a couple of minutes without a single thought running through my head. that may sound impossible, but it's not. i can do that, and it felt peaceful to not think; it felt peaceful to not have any thought running thru the brain.

how is that different from being dead then? it's not. it's the same thing. death is simply a state where you have a complete absence of the mind. so i guess harshly put, you can say i was dead this past week.

but what good is living if you can't make anything out of it? you sit on one corner of the room while everyone else gathers in the middle, chattering, playing, laughing. you want to step out to join the group, but you're afraid that you do not have what it takes to chat, to play, to laugh with them. you're afraid that your presence will kill the joyful atmosphere. so you decided to stay in the corner. "everyone i love is happy, so i should be happy too," you say to yourself.

then you look at yourself in the mirror. but what good is happiness when everyone feels it but you?

don't be selfish now.

i do not wish to be selfish, but i just want to feel happiness again.

happiness is a state of mind. you can be happy if you will it.

can you really?

............

can you?

i want to be happy again. i'm not unhappy. i'm just not happy.