the black hole of the heart

today the sun shines so bright, brighter than usual, but even such intense brightness cannot penetrate the dark cloud that's clogging my mind.

i'm stuck between two choices, and they both have consequences. bad ones too. i used to always think that choosing between two things that both have good outcomes is much harder than that which have bad ones. i was wrong. the latter is much much harder.

i don't wanna be selfish, but this might be my only chance to get what i want. the odds of getting it if i dont take this one chance is extremely slim. the potential well has barriers of U(x) that almost approaches infinity. normalize the probability function and calculate for yourself the probability of finding me outside the barriers. those of you who don't have a single clue of what i'm saying, here's an answer: it approaches ZERO. right now you might think this is just another stupid thing that i want, since i always want stupid things. but no. this one is worth more than anything. i would sacrifice my whole one piece collection, my guitar, even my computer if necessary for this one thing: my sole motivation of living.

on the other hand, i might have to sacrifice not only these tangible things, but also my family. and i'm not sure whether i'm ready to do that. looking at the bright side, i'm pretty sure everything will be fine, just like how things have always been all throughout my life. but again, looking at the bright side doesn't work everytime in reality. God has always preserved me since the planck's second i was born, no matter how bad of things i've done, no matter how many false promises i have made, no matter how horrible a sin i have commited, and i'm grateful. more than that, but i can't think of a word for it. if i choose to get what i want, will i be crossing the line? will God still preserve me? will that be too much of a sin, to God, and to my family? i can't count on anyone anymore, not even myself. this is the time when it all comes down to the most essential: faith.

Lord,
please preserve me,
preserve us.

someone told me once that i'm gonna die and rot in hell because i don't glorify God as much as they do and that i only go to God whenever i need help. well, thanks. thinking about it, maybe i do. maybe thanking God for every good or bad thing that happens today, for all the blessings that God showered upon me as every second pass by, for all the A's and B's i earned in college, for happiness, for great friends, for loving parents, for care, for strength given whenever i face obstacles, for the food i get to enjoy today, for love, every night before i go to bed isn't enough. maybe i only go to God whenever i need help. but is it that grave of a sin that i'll die and rot in hell if i think i should try to overcome things with my own strength before asking for a divine help? besides, i'm pretty sure God watches over me in everything i do, and that He'll lend strength, or anything, whenever He thinks i would need it.

"Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" (Matthew 6.26)

i tend to avoid religious conversation, or any conversation that involves religion in it, because i personally hate discussing religion. i don't consider myself a religious person, because what i define as a "religious person" would be those hardcore ones. i am a catholic, and i do what i should do as a catholic. period. i don't discuss why i do what i do, and i don't discuss whether what i do is justified by general consent. people say discussions promote more understanding, another point of view which you probably have never thought about, and these might change your current perception. i concur, but only in an idealized world. this wretched world is, however, filled with a bunch of selfish people who wouldn't even consider other people's opinions. i'm not saying one should be so gullible to accept everything one hears. after all, that is what "belief" is. what is the point of "believing" in something if one easily believes in what other people say? BUT if you pick two random people from earth with two different beliefs and put them in a room so that they can discuss their beliefs, odds are they're gonna get into a heated argument and start fragging each other with AK-47 (or fists, if such weapon isn't supplied), just like what has always been happening in ireland.

and now you're thinking, this asshole is an ignorant person who don't want to understand more even about his own religion. well, think again. i'm not ignorant. i THINK about these things everyday. i even have conflicts with myself about these things. but discussion is NOT my way to settle these conflicts. i don't DISCUSS because discussing means talking to someone of the same intellect. what's the point? if we're both smart, then we both might be right, there will be no conclusions. if we're both idiots, then.... well, then the discussion will just be meaningless. i dont DISCUSS. i LISTEN. i LEARN. listen to someone i regard as having a MUCH higher intellect and wisdom than i do, and learn to follow the ones that i think is right. if you want to understand more about religion, go talk to your reverend, or priest, or rabbi, or whatever. someone you TRUST. discussion with some random person taking a walk on the beach, or whom you met at a conference won't help you answer your questions. and yes, even someone of a higher intellect and wisdom can say things that aren't right, and your own wisdom is the last filter. that's how the process works for me.

go ahead, berate this post