in a dark corner, embracing loneliness

i told you "maybe i will" in my previous post didn't i?

everyone is gone now. kevin went home to his world of bunnies, sam is back in arcadia, brian, god knows where. tin is back in LA with wei, jim the ninja is out, jason is on the plane back to san jo. katelyn is gone to her uncle's house, thanh went to maryland without telling me, katie is presumably back in LA since she didn't call me or left me a message either. tara is on the road back to hollister, and aimee is still typing her paper.

i'm alone, here in this apartment. alone in this place i've lived in for the past nine months. alone in this place where we usually had good laughs, place where we usually yell at each other, place where we usually throw stuff at each other, place where we usually talk shit about each other, place where we usually annoy the heck out of each other, place where we live our lives.

this week has completely been hell. i lost motivation to study at the beginning of the week, lost even more in the middle, and lost completely everything last night. finals sucked, and i really don't want to talk about any of them. i'll just keep my fingers crossed and hope there will be more divine intervention. but i notice one thing about this week: I HAVE BEEN HANGING OUT TOO MUCH WITH TOO MANY PEOPLE. there has not been a day this week that i was completely alone; i have always had people around me, talking, studying, doing all sorts of crap. i haven't had a time to be alone with myself.

i need some time alone, i really do. that's why this time i'm actually happy that everyone left. this apartment is as bare as it was when we first entered it. no posters up the wall, no books or paper scattered across the desk, no bed sheets on the mattresses, no tv in the living room, no food in the fridge, no clothes in the closet. all empty. bare. naked. except for my half of the room. music cranked up, bed unmade, paper and books scattered all across the floor, clothes in the drawers, posters up the wall. yes, i have yet to pack up for the two-hour trip back home tomorrow.

but i want to be alone for now.
i want to be able to fiddle with my guitar, singing loud even though i'm tonedeaf.
i want to be able to sit and stare with amazement at the ceiling, embracing it's idleness.
i want to be able to for a moment, not think about anything. not even god, not my family, not irene, not my friends, not myself. just not think at all.
i want to be able to tread lightly across the room, not making any noise, not even dragging noise.
i want to have a moment of silence, just a moment. a minute, a second, a nano-second. anything. just one moment of complete silence, no matter how short it is.
i want to be idle, not moving a single limb, not even breathing.
i want to feel

unalive

for once. just once.

i want to experience both world, alive and unalive. i've always embraced life all this time, and i still do. but for a moment, just a moment, i want this whole world to stop. nothing moves. just like this:

14 may 1905

there is a place where time stands still. raindrops hang motionless in air. pendulums of clocks float mid-swing. dogs raise their muzzles in silent howls. pedestrians are frozen on the dusty streets, their legs cocked as if held by strings. the aromas of dates, mangoes, coriander, cumin are suspended in space.

as a traveler approaches this place from any direction, he moves more and more slowly. his heartbeats grow farther apart, his breathing slackens, his temperature drops, his thoughts diminish, until he reaches dead center and stops. for this is the center of time. from this place, time travels outward in concentric circles---at rest at the center, slowly picking up speed at greater diameters.

who would make pilgrimage to the center of time? parents with children, and lovers.

and so, at the place where time stands still, one sees parents clutching their children, in a frozen embrace that will never let go. the beautiful young daughter with blue eyes and blond hair will never stop smiling the smile she smiles now, will never lose this soft pink glow on her cheeks, will never grow wrinkled or tired, will never get injured, will never unlearn what her parents have taught her, will never think thoughts that her parents don't know, will never know evil, will never tell her parents that she does not love them, will never leaver her room with the view of the ocean, will never stop touching her parents as she does now.

at the place where time stands still, one sees lovers kissing in the shadows of the buldings, in a frozen embrace that will never let go. the loved one will never take his arms from where they are now, will never give back the bracelet of memories, will never journey far from his lover, will never place himself in danger in self-sacrifice, will never fail to show his love, will never become jealous, will never fall in love with someone else, will never lose the passion of this instant in time.

one must consider that these statues are illuminated by only the most feeble red light, for light is diminished almost to nothing at the center of time, its vibrations slowed to echoes in vast canyons, its intensity reduced to the faint glow of fireflies.

those not quite at dead center do indeed move, but at the pace of glaciers. a brush of the hair might take a year, a kiss might take a thousand. while a smile is returned, seasons pass in the outer world. while a child is hugged, bridges rise. while a goodbye is said, cities crumble and are forgotten. and those who return to the outer world ... children grow rapidly, forget the centuries-long embrace from their parents, which to them lasted but seconds. children become adults, live far from their parents, live in their own houses, learn ways of their own, suffer pain, grow old. children curse their parents for trying to hold them forever, curse time for their own wrinkled skin and hoarse voices. these now old children also want to stop time, but at another time. they want to freeze their own children at the center of time.

lovers who return find their friends are long gone. after all, lifetimes have passed. they move in a world they do not recognize. lovers who return still embrace in the shadows of buildings, but now their embraces seem empty and alone. soon they forget the centuries-long promises, which to them lasted only seconds. they become jealous even among strangers, say hateful things to each other, lose passion, drift apart, grow old and alone in a world they do not know.

some say it is best not to go near the center of time. life is a vessel of sadness, but it is noble to live life, and without time there is no life. others disagree. they would rather have an eternity of contentment, even if that eternity were fixed and frozen, like a butterfly mounted in a case.

~ from einstein's dreams by alan lightman.

i want to go to the center of time, just for a brief moment, and let everything pass by.
then i will step out, and live again.