i am stupefied

i woke up at 10 today, and within 6 hours, there has already been two memorable conversations

** this morning before sam and brian went swimming
brian: i don't have a swimming trunk though.
me: here, you can borrow mine, it's new, i've only used it once.
brian: oh cool. anything but a speedo dude.
me: haha. yeah. speedo sucks.
sam: but everyone in the pool wears speedo though.
me: well, that's because they need to reduce the water drag. swimming trunk is a lot of drag, dude.
sam: aha. that's probably why that big fat woman swims even faster than me.
me: ... yeah. see, if you want to beat her. go wear a speedo.
sam: yup.
me: or even better, swim naked. that way you have no drag whatsoever, not even from the speedo.
brian: what the --?
sam: but, if I swim without a speedo or a trunk, the drag would just get worse.
me: .....
brian: .....
sam: well, at least i still have something to drag with me.
me: ... sam, that's gross.

** and just now:
sam: hey, is kevin the character in southpark who always dies?
me: um, i don't know. i've never watched southpark.
sam: yeah, but is kevin the character who always dies?
me: uh... i don't know. i HAVE NEVER watched southpark.
sam: yeah yeah i know, but i just want to know if kevin is the character who always dies.
me: it might be better for you to look it up online, i've never seen southpark
sam: yeah... but is kevin the character who always dies?
me: sam, get the hell out of here.