silence

that's a shout to myself.

i once said that life kicks someone where it hurts the most at the worst possible time, but at that time, that someone wasn't me. now i'm saying it again because i now know how that someone must have felt.

[ouch.]

no, more than just that.

[AIIIEEYYAAAOOUCH.]

probably should have used the exclamation mark.

three full moons and two nights. only after then are my eyes completely opened.

i've been an idiot. a complete idiot.

i've had my opinions on things. my perspective of life. well, tonight i realized that all of them weren't right.

whenever i express my take on life to someone, the most common reply i get is "that's way too idealistic." a reply which i usually counter with, "this world is already too pessimistic. so why the hell not?"

if i have ever given any of you advices, or suggestion, you can forget about them now, if you haven't. all of them are most likely inapplicable in this dreadful amorphous p-brane we call reality. i realize now, that my view on things are too idealistic, and idealistic views don't survive in this darwinian world.

think about love.

should you not give it your all, and by all i mean, ALL YOU'VE GOT, for the person that you love? if you love a person, it is only right ---AND normal--- for you to give the person the most you can give. right?

[.......]

right?

after all, LOVING means GIVING, and not expecting anything back, right?

[.......]

right??

but if you love someone so much, and have given all that is humanely possible for that someone, even if that someone doesn't feel love to begin with, love will eventually emerge in that person's heart, won't it? people can LEARN to love, right?

[or can they?]

........

why can't they? if someone already loves you so much, why is it not normal for you to love them back? love CAN BE LEARNED. love will DEVELOP overtime. can't YOU learn to love?

[.......]

that is what i always think, but apparently i was mistaken. again. love CAN be learned. sure. but there is a difference between love that is developed and love that pops out naturally. the one thing that i didn't see until today when i had this talk with sam is that THE FORMER CAN NEVER BE AS STRONG AS THE LATTER. never. well, i'm sure there are few rare cases that can be an exception, but in general, never.

love should mean GIVING and not asking anything back, shouldn't it? i should have been. but this world doesn't seem to be working that way. sam said there is one who always sticks to that rule: GOD himself. haha. that's right. such a love is DIVINE.

divine love is for divine beings, not for us mortals.

no mortals should even attempt such a thing.