doubting intentions

guilt in my head have been parts of my twist
by the voice of an angel revealing our fates
and our words don't make sense but i do understand
falling in love isn't part of our plan
voices within me makes reason with lust
but i try to accept it and not make it worst
cause i know i might lose you by taking a chance
love without pain isn't really romance

those two verses have been going through my head for the past couple of days. i think i'm starting to get addicted to electronica.

i'm losing motivation. GRE is coming up this saturday and i cannot find anything to motivate me to study. when the major thing approaches, i suddenly lose momentum. i do not know enough psychology or cogsci to be able to analyze from cognitive or psychological aspect why i tend to do what i do right now, but i know one thing and that is the fact that i do not like this. it's more annoying than the whines from people that i have to put up with every day.

usually i despise my subconsciousness for being ambitious and impatient, but now i despise myself, my own conscience, for being lazy and unmotivated.

i used to seek motivation from people, until i realized that there is not a single person in this free world that i, or anyone else, can count on to provide motivation. motivation must come from within, and within only. if you think you have found a motivation outside your subconsciousness, then be warned, because it will fade away and leave you alone before you even know it. i still firmly believe that a man's motivation must come from within, but when the motivation from within also fades away, where does he seek another one?

the answer is obvious, that he must cultivate another one, that he must create one more from within, but at this moment i am not strong enough to be able to do that.

i think i am approaching a minima. let's hope it oscillates back up and does not plateau down here.