he lifted his head and looked around. oh, the airport, he thought to himself. people walked to and fro, not caring about what's around them, almost as if they've lost their peripheral vision, but everything was clear to him, he can see every gesture, every move, hear every whisper, every noise, every shout of joy, everything. then he looked at the girl standing in front of him, their eyes met.
"what?" she asked, smiling.
nothing, he thought to himself, but never actually said it, because that's not what he wanted to say. he just smiled. an invisible twenty-three-digit-combination-code lock sealed his mouth shut. what the combination to open the lock, he has forgotten. maybe it was the first twenty three digits of pi? or of e? or was it some random, non-systematical numbers that he picked before? he couldn't remember, and decided to give up the attempt. he has forgotten the code for a while, and since then, never managed to let her know how comforting it is to him just to look into her eyes and see her smile.
blue jeans, black boots, red jacket, green bag hanging from her shoulder, black hair with fading red highlights. that's how she looked like when he saw her again on sunday for the first time since summer two years ago. a prominent beauty, one that stood out like a big red x-mark on a piece of white printer paper, one that made everyone else looks like they're just insignificant blur. she was still smiling, but he looked away, fearing that he might lose his mind. her eyes to him like a giant black hole, sucking in everything that came to contact with it. no. no way could he ever afford losing his mind. every single memory of her that was stored in his mind was so precious, it's almost more worthy than his life itself.
he had a long history with her. in fact, he had gone through every emotional stage a person could. he had been to both extremes. he had loved her, he had hated her, and he had come to love her again. he felt uncertain. why the hell do i deviate back and forth between two extremes, he asked himself. but either one of the extremes lead to one conclusion that he himself could not dispute: he cared about her so much he couldn't afford to not have any sorts of feelings for her. the center of the two extremes had long disappeared. he might have misplaced it somewhere two years ago, but finding it is no longer an option. even when he hated her, it was because he cared. otherwise ignorance would have been an easy attitude to possess. she's the person he both loved and hated. she makes up his whole emotional cycle. she means everything to him.
and yet, she's leaving.
he felt fortunate to have her company for the past two days, and he realized that he should cherish what had happened, but the thoughts of not being able to see her face again bothered him. no more comforting smile that would energize him. no more spending couple hours at the coffee house talking about random things. no more of that loud, yet soothing laughter. no more complaints about the blue sky and the sunny day. no more warmth during those cold winter nights. no more. no more. he felt tears were about to drip down, but he held them in. not now, he told himself.
he handed her the hand-carried red bag he has been holding. a thought ran through his mind. "it's a bag full of make-up," she joked, when he first saw her on sunday. it felt like it just happened; he could remember every single movement, expression, tone of voice, everything. he just smiled.
"thanks for letting me stay," she said again, smiling.
you're welcome, he thought to himself, but again did not say it because that's not what he wanted to say. he just smiled. he panicked. he felt the sudden urge to squeeze the last drop out of his brain for the twenty three digit combination. i need to open this lock. i need to fucking open this fucking lock, he thought to himself. their eyes came to contact again, and almost instantaneously he calmed down and felt his urges dissipated away exponentially. he tried to bring back the urges, because he really needed to open up the lock, but he was so drawn to her he gave up the attempt. he never managed to let her know that he didn't want her to leave, ever. never managed to let her know that she's wanted, that she's the one, the only one for him.
he hugged her. she was surprised of the sudden gesture, and was nervous, but he refused to let go. he wanted to hold her as long as he could. he prayed over and over for the time to stop, for this moment to never end, for the goodbye to never happen. then he realized it's impossible, so he let go, his face sad. the usual smile on his face had faded away, and all that was left was a frown and plenty of tears he had been holding in.
"are we ever going to see each other again?" he asked.
"maybe. wish for it." she replied. she noticed his sad face, but this goodbye was inevitable. there was nothing she could do, even if she wanted.
goodbye, take care, i'm going to miss you, he thought to himself. those are the three things he wanted to say, but none came out. instead they just parted, awkwardly. she walked into gate 9 while he walked towards the exit. he decided not to look back, because the scene would be unbearable to him. maybe she looked back from the waiting line? he thought to himself, but he gave up that thought.
"take care, i'm going to miss you," he said that quietly as he got on the elevator. it felt good to finally let that out, but he still could not say goodbye. he tried harder.
harder.
even harder.
the word wouldn't come out. instead he felt immense pain within him. it's painful to say goodbye, isn't it, he asked himself.
he walked out of the elevator, towards the parking lot to get his car. he got his keys out. again he tried to say the word goodbye, but nothing came out. the pain in his chest got worse, but he felt nothing now, it's all empty. he could hear his stomach growling and his gastric acid eating his stomach, but he did not feel anything. he was completely devoid of any feeling. he tried harder, but nothing came out, still.
the pain became unbearable, but the word still wouldn't come out. instead the tears started dripping down his eyes.
he got on his car, started the engine, wiped the tears from his eyes, turned on the radio and drove away,
back to reality.
[but who's to blame]
[for a love that wouldn't bloom]
[for the hearts that never played in tune]
[like a lovely melody that everyone can sing]
[take away the words that rhyme]
[it doesn't mean a thing]
[we triped the light]
[and danced together to the moon]
[but where was June]
[no it never came around]
[if it did it never made a sound]
[maybe I was absent or was listening too fast]
[catching all the words]
[but then the meaning going past]
[but god I miss the girl, and I'd go a thousand]
[times around the world just to be]
[closer to her than to me]
[wish that I had found the way]
[and the reasons that would make her stay]
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