why not?

a lot of people wonder why i never take requests. well, not never, but very rarely. if you think i don't take requests because i don't want to spend time drawing for other people, then you've mistaken principles for arrogance.

though, it's not so much principles. there was a time in my life when i would draw whatever people requested of me, but it's over, and i would never go back to that time ever again. reason is that when you draw for people, you have expectations to fulfil. if you draw them something that fulfils their expectations, you get "thanks" and an expression of gratitude, which is great. but if you draw them something less than fulfilling, they give you "thanks" and an expression of fake gratitude, and this one hurts the most. when people come and bash something you spent a few hours working, it's irritating, but when people come and show you a fake gratitude for something you've spent a few hours working, it's not irritating, it hurts. it feels like there are squinggiggillion sentences of "you're worthless! you can't even fulfil such a simple request!" hitting you at the same time.

for this reason i don't take requests. if i feel like drawing something for you, i will, but i refuse to have to live up to anyone's expectation. you should probably have felt this at some point in your life: when you're doing a task/hobby that you usually enjoy to fulfil someone else's expectation, it takes away all the fun.

so that problem's been solved, and by not taking requests i've never had to deal with any of those ever again. but a new problem came up.

i like drawing for people. so when people don't make requests, i would draw something for them just because i feel like it. this way i don't have to live up to anyone's expectation, because no one is expecting anything. but apparently that's not all there is to it. when you've labored yourself making something spectacular for someone, and then the response is mostly "oh, that's nice," no matter how sincere the response is, it is not satisfying. eggy was right; he said that there is a difference between sending hentai pictures to someone who thinks you can't do much with just two girls, and someone who screams "SEND AWAY~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!"

although this is not hentai related stuff, there really is a difference between getting an "OMGLURVEIT" response and an "oh, that's nice." i can't say which one i like better since even the former response might look enthusiastic just because it's a text, but the latter sort of gets you thinking, "uh oh, does this person not like it?" and when you get the latter response, you look back at your drawing and start thinking that some things are wrong, that such line should not be there, that the idea of so and so interacting with such and such is such a stupid idea, that this part should have been made smaller, and that part should have been made bigger, and the thought just never stops. and when the thought stops, you find yourself staring at your drawing, feeling like you've just wasted a few days of your life making the biggest piece of shit ever, because even you yourself cannot seem to find anything "fun" in it. the "fun" vibes it gave out when it was still in sketching stage has disappeared, and you really have no idea where or when things started to go wrong.

i guess maybe life would be lot more peaceful if we only try to satisfy ourselves and never others. but then such a peaceful life would be lonely as well.

woe.