on philosophers

i feel obliged to share this from the great hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy book because it reminds me of my roommate david who quit his molecular biology major and switched to philosophy and music.

a sudden commotion destroyed the moment: the door flew open and two angry men wearing the coarse faded-blue robes and belts of the cruxwan university burst into the room, thrustind aisde the ineffectual flunkie who tried to bar their way.

"we demand admission!" shouted the younger of the two men elbowing a pretty young secretary in the throat.

"come on," shouted the older one, "you can't keep us out!" he pushed a junior programmer back through the door.

"we demand that you can't keep us out!" bawled the younger one, though he was now firmly inside the room and no further attempts were being made to stop him.

"who are you?" said lunkwill, rising angrily from his seat. "what do you want?"

"i am majikthise!" announced the older one.

"and i demand that i am vroomfondel!" shouted the younger one.

majikthise turned on vroomfondel. "it's all right," he explained angrily, "you don't need to demand that."

"all right!" bawled vroomfondel, banging on a nearby desk. "i am vroomfondel, and that is NOT a demand, that is a solid FACT. what we demand is solid FACTS!"

"no, we don't!" exclaimed majikthise in irritation. "that is precisely what we don't demand!"

scarcely pausing for breath, vroomfondel shouted, "we DON'T demand solid facts! what we demand is a total ABSENCE of solid facts. i demand that i may or may not be vroomfondel!"

"but who the devil are you?" exclaimed an outraged fook.

"we," said majikthise, "are philosophers."

"though we may not be," said vroomfondel, waving a warning finger at the programmers.

"yes, we ARE," insisted majikthise. "we are quite definitely here as representatives of the amalgamated union of philosophers, sages, luminaries, and other thinking persons, and we want this machine off, and we want it off NOW!"

"what's the problem?" said lunkwill.

"i'll tell you what the problem is, mate," said majikthise, "demarcation, that's the problem!"

"we demand," yelled vroomfondel, "that demarcation may or may not be the problem!"

"you just let the machines get on with the adding up," warned majikthise, "and we'll take care of the eternal verities, thank you very much. you want to check your legal position, you do, mate. under law the quest for ultimate truth is quite clearly the inalienable prerogative of your working thinkers. any bloody machine goes and actually FINDS it and we're straight out of job, aren't we? i mean, what's the use of our sitting up half the night arguing that there may or may not be a god if this machine only goes and gives you his bleeding phone number the next morning?"

"that's right," shouted vroomfondel, "we demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"

suddenly a stentorian voice boomed across the room.

"might I make an observation at this point?" inquired deep thought.

"we'll go on strike!" yelled vroomfondel.

"that's right!" agreed majikthise. "you'll have a national philosophers' strike on your hands!"

the hum level in the rooom suddenly increased as several ancillary bass driver units mounted insedately carved and varnished cabinet speakers around the room, cut in to give deep thought's voice a little more power."

"all i wanted to say," bellowed the computer, "is that my circuits are now irrevocably committed to calculation the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything." he paused and satisfied himself that he now had everyone's attention, before continuing more quietly. "but the program will take me a little while to run."

fook glanced impatiently at his watch.

"how long?" he said.

"seven and a half million years," said deep thought.

lunkwill and fook blinked at each other.

"seven and a half million years!" they cried in chorus.

"yes," declaimed deep thought, "i said i'd have to think about it, didn't i? and it occurs to me that running a program like this is bound to create an enormous amount of popular publicity for the whole area of philosophy in general. everyone's going to have their own theories about what answer i'm eventually going to come up with, and who better to capitalize on that media market than you yourselves? so long as you can keep disagreeing with each other violently enough and maligning each other in the popular press, and so long as you have clever agents, you can keep yourselves on the gravy train for life. how does that sound?"

the two philosophers gaped at him.

"bloody hell," said majikthise, "now that is what i call thinking. here, vroomfondel, why do we never think of things like that?"

"dunno," said vroomfondel in an awed whisper; "think our brains must be too highly trained, majikthise."

so saying, they turned on their heels and walked out of the door and into a life-style beyond their wildest dream.

david, you know what to do now. forget med-school, man. it's all about being a philosopher.