some things are better left unsaid

nemuri ni ochiteku sono toki dake
mujou na kurai ni osou nukumori ga
mou wasurete ita kioku wo
tada kurikaeshite ha yurete iru no

otsute yuku taiyou no naka ni
muryokusa ni torawareteta in your hands
futoyume no naka he sasou close my eyes
nazomu mono ha naku
nagare yuki tsukihi ni...

natsumatsuri no oto
semi no sakebigoe
ichi furi no ame
tookumade taiyou ha kaeri
itoshisa mune ni shinobiyoru sukima ni
ashimoto sukui toorisugiru seijaku no cry

taisetsu ni shite kita deai no kazu to
wakare ha itsu no hi ni kata wo narabe yuku
ima me no mae no itoshisa sae
ah kono ryote wo suberi ochite yuku

maifuriteku hi sashi no nukumori
toki wo kizamu dake in your arms
tsukanoma yomigaeru kara cross my heart
tooinukete yo
kaze ha fuku you ni

mukabi wo tadoru
kawara no nagare ni
kagerou ni nita
hitokoishiku yoiake no kimochi
dakishimetemo kobore yuku setsunasa ni
se wo mukeru nagara hito no yo ni taguri yoseteku
pray

natsumatsuji no oto
semi no sakebigoe
ichi furi no ame
tookumade taiyou ha kaeri
itoshisa mune ni shinobiyoru sukima ni
ashimoto sukui toorisugiru seijaku no pray

i have no idea what azuki wrote there, but the song just touches me.

i came to realize just now how selfish of a person i am. i'm sorry, but i can't help being selfish like this. it's just something that a normal human being would do, or feel. and i'm no better; i'm not divine. i kinda wish i am, since that would make things a little easier, but i am not. i'm just your average nextdoor neighbor, out to ruin all the goodness of the world.

i've tasted some honey, and now i want more. more, and more. this thirst will never end, nor can is be satisfied. i am no angel, i'm just a fucked up devil, beyond all hope of salvation. when life just suddenly decides to throw you honey and nuts and a winning lottery ticket, you realize how much power you have within your hands to give in to the pleasure and not worry about how the consequences will be utterly devastating. i was placed in such a situation by life, and i decided to not give in to the pleasure. but the thought of giving in lies there still, and that's what scares the living shit out of me. i could have. could have. could have.

the devil whispered in my ear, and i almost gave in. why me?

if the end justifies the means, then everything is all good; i smacked the devil back down to the 9th gate of hell. but the fact that the devil showed up and bother to waste his time whispering in my ear still frightens me. if this were to happen again for the second time, i do not know if i have enough willpower to resist. i might give in. i'm scared beyond all imagination.

i hate being a human being. i want to be divine. i want to have some superhuman power, something that makes me superior. if that's too impossible, i want to at least have a strong willpower. life just has too much shit to resist. too much temptation, too much imperfection. and when one gives in and is unable to resist once more, all that's left is cowardice and excuses: "i was just being human. sorry."

i wish the gates of hell would open right now and burn me with its eternal fire.

for i have sinned with my thoughts.

a sin so unforgivable i dare not ask for forgiveness.