weight-shifting

one thing that i have never been able to do throughout the 21 years of my life is letting go of things.

it's remarkably easy to tell myself that some things have to be let go, but it's remarkably hard to actually let it go. i've always thought that this is a trait that my old man passed down to me, because he is the only person i know aside from myself who can never let things go just like that. not unless there's a good reason, and a good explanation.

which probably explains why i'm doing physics.

it's also remarkably easy to tell myself that some things that happen in life needs no explanation, but it's remarkably hard to look at something that is obviously happening but there's no explanation for it to happen. i guess this is another reason why physics is the only thing i can do.

maybe this has to do with maturity? i am, after all, still 21, still an immature child who has a lot of things to learn. maybe five years from now i'll be able to let things go very easily.

an old friend of mine once said that if you say the words "i'm mature," that implies that you're not because "i'm" and "mature" is only an apostrophe and a spacebar away from "immature." funny thing is, i've never even thought about my own maturity level; all this time i've always just simply assumed that i am NOT mature and thus should not worry about it too much. recently, however, i've been thinking about how i can be more mature, and hopefully get closer and closer to the maturity level i'm hoping to reach before too long. the problem is, i have no idea how.

maturity level has nothing to do with how you act in front of people. maturity level has to do with how you deal with yourself. with how you deal with your HEAD. with how you handle and prevent your mind from screwing yourself over. it is remarkably easy to give people advices or suggestions or opinions that lead other people into thinking how mature you are. it is remarkably easy to make people believe that you are acting maturely. it is, however, remarkably hard to be mature with your own mind, because only your mind knows how mature you actually are.

dictionary.com gives a definition of the word "mature" as "of, relating to, or characteristic of full development, either mental or physical," which is a good definition; i just wished it would elaborate more on what it means by "full development," and how one can tell whether it's been fully developed or not.

i believe that maturity is the ability to control the emotions that are flowing in your body, and so i will define it that way. if you are unable to control these emotions, they can fuck you over. they can make you do things that you will regret later, and they will take over your mind such that you will never live in peace. i believe that full development of the mind means being able to control these emotions, rather than letting the emotions control you. this doesn't necessarily mean that you completely and entirely erase all your emotions and live like a robot, but simply being able to say "hey dude, stop and go back to where you belong" whenever the emotions surface and tries to control you.

and that is sadly something that i have not been able to do. 21 years and still making the same mistakes.

on a side note, i miss my grandmother. it's been over seven years now. if i could send some flowers to heaven for her on val's day, i would.