~0_0~

i am officially an idiot.

the pandora box is now opened and there is no way to close it. all hell has broken loose, not even the devil himself can stop it.

running away would be the best thing to do, but where? i feel like i'm trapped in an infinite square well with almost negligible energy, which basically kills my hope of tunneling through.

people do not understand me. they think they do, but they do not. they think they do and they start talking shit about me, but they were wrong. none of what i've done is ever meant for something selfish.

or rather, not that i'm aware of.

i thought i've always had some sort of good intentions when i do something? or were these good intentions just something that i keep on telling myself to believe, while actually all that i have is selfish thoughts?

all things are done based on selfish motivation; THAT, i will not deny. even good deeds are done out of a selfish motivation: to make oneself feel good. so how do i become a good person? if all the good deeds that i have ever done can then be argued to have ensued from an entirely selfish motivation, how do i become a good person?

a man helps carry an old lady's grocery bags. is he a good person? no. there are more selfish reasons for him to be doing so than non-selfish ones. by doing so, he's indirectly proving his strength, he's showing off to the world that he can do something other people can't, he's trying to make himself feel good. what did he have in mind when he first saw the lady? "person in trouble, it'd be nice if i offer some help," or would it be, "aha! opportunity for me to show to the world how good of a person i am."

a student offers to help another struggling student. is the first student a good person? how does one know that he is a naturally good person, and he helps because he feels the need to help? there is probably a better chance for the opposite to be true. he might be helping the other student to show the world that he is superior to other. he might be helping the other student so that the other student would help him at something else. he might be helping the other student because the other student is a really girl and he is in love with her. then how do you have a non-selfish motivation?

then everything boils down to: how do you know that you DO have a non-selfish motivation? it is not against the law of nature for us to have an entirely selfish motivation and to be completely unaware of such. maybe we are all just bad people, with me being the worst. maybe every good deeds that i have done out of what i thought as a non-selfish motivation, are actually done out of an entirely selfish motivation that i just have never been aware of.

until tonight.

i am a truly horrible person, and so is the rest of humanity.